9:41pmAmanda
hi
9:42pmApril
hi
9:43pmAmanda
how are you?
9:43pmApril
i'm okay but tired and not feeling well.
9:44pmAmanda
i'm sorry
9:44pmApril
lol its alright. ill get better.
9:44pmAmanda
i know you will
9:45pmApril
whats new with you?
9:46pmAmanda
nothing good
9:55pmAmanda
well, i have to go eat dinner.
mom's pissed so i better not keep her.
9:55pmApril
lol ok
write me later
10:20pmAmanda
i'm back from dinner
10:20pmApril
what did u eat?
10:20pmAmanda
hamburger helper and green beans and carrots
10:20pmApril
cool.
10:20pmAmanda
i'm full
10:21pmApril
how come your mom is mad?
10:21pmAmanda
because.... she just.... i don't know... HATES ME!!!
10:21pmApril
your mom doesn't hate you. i know that for sure.
10:21pmAmanda
I don't know...
10:21pmApril
she cares about you a lot.
10:21pmAmanda
It sure seems like it.
10:22pmApril
how come?
10:22pmAmanda
How do you know that?
10:22pmApril
she talks about you all the time. she lets you live with her. if she hated you, she wouldn't let you live at home. plus she has said it several times before.
10:24pmAmanda
She talks about me in a negative way... the woman is the most negative creature i've ever known... and she only lets me live with her because I have paid some of the bills... i don't anymore because the way she's been treating me.
10:25pmApril
have you told her it bothers you?
10:26pmAmanda
Yes, and she doesn't care.
She has been doing everything she can to make me miserable.
10:27pmApril
is work stressing her out?
10:27pmAmanda
I don't know, but that's no reason to make me miserable!
10:28pmApril
no i know. but i'm sure it gets her down working all the time and worrying about paying the bills all the time.
ya know?
10:28pmAmanda
I've gotten to where I don't care anymore.
Worrying gets you nowhere...
Why worry if you're going to pray? Why pray if you're going to worry?
10:31pmApril
if she didn't worry abou tthings, then she could end up on the street.
10:33pmAmanda
No, because God will provide...
I know that sounds cliche, but it's true... its happened before!
10:36pmApril
i mean i believe in God too, but you can't walk around blind not worrying about anything in your life because of God. Some of the best Christians have ended up living in boxes with nothing on their back....doesn't mean God i bad. It simply means God isnt going to give you a paycheck every week.
10:38pmAmanda
That's right, and you don't have to tell me that... I've live that life... out of a box! I have lived in 2 homeless shelters myself... but God was there to help me through it and He'll always be there to help us through it.
10:40pmAmanda
Bet you didn't know that, did you?
That's right... I've been homeless before!
10:41pmApril
Your mom had mentioned it I think, but I don't remember what she said about it.
10:41pmAmanda
Yeah, just know that you are preaching to the choir when you talk about living out of a box.
10:42pmApril
That's what I'm saying.....she has a lot of stress on her with that apartment....you wouldn't want to do it againw ould you?
10:42pmAmanda
Actually, yes, i would.
It's made me who I am too... greatful for what I do have!
10:43pmApril
Exactly. That's what I'm saying...just be thankful for what you have but don't be naive in believing it could not be taken away from you, Christian or not.
10:44pmAmanda
You know, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors... You just see the superficial things....
You can't judge a man until you've walked in their shoes.
10:46pmApril
I'm not judging you Amanda! I'm just saying that if your mom didn't love you, she has no obligation to house you and provide for you.
I can understand she might be grouchy at times, so was my mom. But that didn't mean she hated me.
10:46pmAmanda
There are different things that she's done that make me beg to differ.
10:48pmApril
Like I said, I don't know everything that goes on with you all.....all I'm saying is based on everything I do know, I think she is a pretty good mom.
10:53pmAmanda
Whatever
11:18pmAmanda
i just read your status, and the funny thing is, i wasn't asking for advice....
Today
12:24amAmanda
I really like you, but I'm removing you from my friends... I'm sorry that I disturbed you and will never do it again. I'm sorry that I thought that you were enough of a friend to sit there and listen to me when I needed to vent, being that I was suicidal/homocidal when I came to you, but obviously, I was wrong.
You made me feel lower than low and I don't appreciate it.
12:53amApril
Okay Amanda, although the only reason I could've made you feel low is if you recognized it as the truth. You're my friend and you should respect my opinion.
12:53amAmanda
I do respect your opinion, but apparently, you don't respect mine.
and i was not looking for advice... i just wanted to blow off some steam
I feel low because i was already feeling low, thank you very much.
12:54amApril
and when i commented back, you got mad and said WHATEVER.
12:54amAmanda
AND?????
Your point???
12:54amApril
which means you didnt want to hear the truth.
12:55amAmanda
That's my favorite word
No, it just means that I like that word and use it in all contexts.
12:57amApril
Okay Amanda, whatever. I'm not going to argue with you. Remember though, the only was someone can make you feel bad is if you let them. Appreciate your mom because if she weren't around to take care of you, where would you be? DO you think that boyfriend really cares about you?
12:57amAmanda
it has nothing to do with him april
get over it.
this argument is about my mom and i...
12:58amApril
Why are you being disrespectful to your mom by having him in the house when she is off busting her ass at work when she doesnt want him there?
12:58amAmanda
why is it any of your business?
12:58amApril
Because apparently I care more about your mom than you do and when she talks, I listen and respect her.
12:59amAmanda
so you be her daughter
then you'll see where i'm coming from.
all you know is how she was at work
you don't know anything about our home life...
walk a mile in my shoes and then you'll see...
1:00amApril
If I was, I would be getting a regular job to help her out with the bills. Can't you help by paying something so she doesn't have to work all the time?
1:00amAmanda
she works normal hours, normal days
Just lay off!
1:00amApril
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF THE OTHER ADULT IN THE HOUSE HELPED OUT.
1:00amAmanda
I hate saying this to you, but FUCK OFF!!!!!
1:01amApril
ONCE AGAIN, THE CHILDISH AMANDA COMES OUT. THE ONE THAT BITCHES AND COMPLAINS ABOUT EVERYTHING EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE HAVE.
WHAT YOUR MOM NEEDS TO DO IS KICK YOUR ASS OUT AND LET YOU SEE WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELF.
THEN YOU WOULDNT BE SO DISRESPECTFUL AND UNAPPRECIATIVE.
AND YOU WANT TO PREACH ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN. A CHRISTIAN WOULDNT TELL SOMEONE TO FUCK OFF.
1:03amAmanda
you asked for it
i told you to leave me alone and you didn't
1:03amApril
I DIDNT ASK FOR ANYTHING. I JUST TOLD YOU WHAT A CHILDISH LITTLE BRAT YOU ARE.
1:03amAmanda
FUCK YOU
1:03amApril
NO, THAT'S FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND TO USE YOU FOR.
1:04amAmanda
I don't have a boyfriend
dumbass
1:04amApril
THAT'S RIGHT. HE DOESNT EVEN CLAIM YOUR SORRY ASS AS HIS GIRLFRIEND, RIGHT? JUST AN OPEN INVITE INSIDE YOUR PANTS.
1:05amAmanda
You don't have to deal with me anymore... I'm committing suicide tonight.
1:06amApril
YOU JUST DO THAT TOO FOR ATTENTION AMANDA. EVERYONE AT MEIJER SAYS THE SAME THING. YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING YOU'RE GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE. IF YOU TRUSTED IN GOD THOUGH THEN YOU WOULD KNOW THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO GO.
1:12amAmanda
if you've thought that way of me, why do you PRETEND to be my friend?
1:13amApril
ive always been your friend. but everytime the world doesnt go your way you say you are going to commit suicide. they said you did that when you worked at meijer too.
1:13amAmanda
no you haven't liar
no i didnt
and i don't know who you heard that from, you they're wrong
1:14amApril
did you not slit your wrists and then rup up to the front crying for help?
1:14amAmanda
and if your dumbass precious christina told you that, how the fuck would she know? i never worked with her
no, i didn't
1:14amApril
it wasn't christina.
1:14amAmanda
it wasn't connie either
1:14amApril
neither one.
1:14amAmanda
cuz why would i go to her fat ass?
or marqueta
you stay in your little world and i'll stay in mine... you just keep pretending to be my friend while i delete you.
i don't want a FAKE for a friend
1:33amApril is offline.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
suicidal - Music:Still listening to myself crying.
Here is a post made by a friend after I had talked to her... All I was doing was venting... I just needed someone to listen as I got some of my anger out, and I know that my journal is a good place to do that, but when I am that angry, I cant even write!
April Owens feels honored when people ask for my advice, but if you are going to get upset when I give it, you probably shouldn't ask for it in the first place. The truth sometimes hurts, but you deal with it and move on. The end. :)
I've been suicidal and homocidal for quite a while now and have expressed this to a friend that is a counselor, but she doesn't seem to think I need to go to a treatment facility for help. She thinks that I need to either put up with it and shut up or move out. I have told her that moving out is not doable right now, so she says that it's my fault. I see that it's my fault, so why does everyone keep harping on it?
I made a comment on facebook about thinking that I've never felt so low in my life and a friend left a comment on that saying that she loves me and so does God, to which I responded, "I wish I could feel loved. I haven't felt loved in a long time!" I know that people say that they love me, but do they really mean it?
People are on my case 24/7 about the guy that I have dated in the past, and if it will make them happy then I'll let him go. People in my life get their way anyway... My life is miserable either way, so why would I care what happens next? I surrender! I throw in the towel! I give up! Are you happy now, cuz I'm not!!!
My mom is now threatening me and having someone watch my every move. I don't appreciate it, but if that's the way she wants it, then that's the way she's gonna have it.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
stressed - Music:Just listening to myself cry
Alright, I haven't updated in a while because with all of the things going on in today's world, who HAS the time to sit down and put their thoughts on paper??? Well, I thought I would make time today to do so. For the past year, I have been dating this guy on and off (which, right now, we are off again) and my mom doesn't approve... well, to be honest, not too many people do! There have been many people giving me excuses to not be with him, some which I agree with and are legit, but others that are so off-the-wall that even Rose Nylund's St. Olaf stories make sense compared to these excuses!
I use to be very happy with him, but that feeling has faded a little over time because of remarks that are constantly being made. As many of you know, I am a people pleaser, BUT I don't think I've ever REALLY pleased myself! It really saddens me that I would let other people get in the way of my happiness, but that's the way I am and I don't know how to change it. For years now, I have let other people dictate the way I live, act, feel, who I date, who I am friends with, etc and I see now how it's hurt me in so many different ways. I have allowed others to steal my joy and trample on my heart, leaving me unable to feel nothing more than anger, fear, pain, guilt, and loneliness.
I once had a wall built around my heart to keep people out and some would take that wall down, brick by brick, and others wouldn't even bare to try. This guy that I am speaking of knocked it down with one hit, leaving my heart exposed and able to feel things I've never felt before... with the first being LOVE! I was so happy that I had been set free from all those feelings that I had harboured for so long and was able to be myself and not some plastic little doll... having to be perfect for everyone. I was happy that I was allowed to finally make mistakes and not be scolded for them!
The wall that was so easily knocked down, has been built right back up, in a matter of seconds! My life seems to be closing in on me and there's no way out! I have been robbed of that joy, once again, and don't think I could feel any lower than I do at this moment! I have learned over the years how to hide my feelings and do it pretty well... when people find out that I feel this way it tends to shock them, as if it's coming out of nowhere... I'm sorry folks, but that's just how I cope with things... I bottle them, which is not the healthiest thing, but who said I was a health nut????
I have noticed that I have this "blank" feeling inside... I use to be able to put into words how I felt, but I can't even seem to do that anymore. I just feel so miserable right now! There's something (or in this case, someone) out there that I have longed for all my life, but now I understand that I will forever be alone. I'm starting to think that maybe I want to be alone... I'm so use to being alone that it's gotten quite comfortable and being with someone just disrupts my routine.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
depressed - Music:Just listening to myself cry
Work is just another monotonous time consumer in my life... no friends, no social life, nothing of the outside world where you can breathe fresh air and smell the flowers as you stroll along. Day in and day out, all I hear myself say is "Just one more day closer to my days off" or "Hi, how are you? Did you find everything you needed today? Your total is 75.83.... out of 100.00? Your change is 24.17... thanks and have a great day! It never ends! I hate standing in one spot all night doing the same damn thing over and over again!
The seizures have got to go! Out with you I say! You aren't welcome here anymore! I hate taking medicine every day... in fact, I forget to take it all the time... I went to the ER Thursday night because I was feeling really weird and the doctor said that I was having a partial seizure... I had had 6, all in that day. My Dilantin level was too low, making me suseptable to more seizures. I am running out medicine for the month and I don't have the funds to refill it right now either, which kind of scares me, knowing the result if I don't take the medication on a daily basis. The more seizures you have, the greater risk of brain damage...
- Mood: depressed
I don't even know what to say anymore... I've tried to put my feelings into sentences, but it just doesn't work anymore! But then again, how can you write a sentence about how you feel if all these random thoughts keep floating through your mind? I think it's pretty impossible!
- Mood:
indescribable
Her- "Look, I really don't feel like talking about this right now."
Him- "I'm just glad your safe... I'll say a prayer for you."
Her- "You're gonna pray for me? My father used to say that to me when he was sober, which wasn't too often."
Him- "Can I share something with you?"
Her- "I guess"
Him- "Well, you know, sometimes God allows things to happen in your life to make you stronger and if your not careful, they can cause you to lose faith if you let them. You see, at one time, I had a house, a car, money.... I thought I had it goin' on. I had all this material stuff, but I was missing God. You see, God doesn't care how much sin your in... If he wants you, he's gonna reach deep down inside all of it and snatch you right up out of it. He doesn't care! I didn't care... Just a young knuckle headed kid raised by a single mom. My mom used to pray every night with words like "His kingdom come..." Anyway, I remember the day... It was me and my two brothers in the car and we had two kilos of cocaine in the trunk and the police pulled us over. I was the youngest, so they told me to say it was mine, so I did... I did 12 years in prison! Now don't get me wrong... Prison is a bad place, but that's where I found God! You see, I could make a call right now and make a drop and get $35,000, but I wont... You know why? Because no amount of money is worth the peace I have right now! I can't do it! I can't walk around every day looking over my shoulder thinking "this is the day that I go to hell." That's no way to live! Every day I wake up, there are new mercies that I see... I'm a saved man! I'm a new man!
Her- "I'm sorry I gave you a hard time.... I mean, you've been through so much and you're still able to smile about it."
Him- "It's nothing but God! I thought I was losing my mind and was going crazy, but it was Him who kept me together through it all. Don't get me wrong... I'm not trying to come on to you or anything, but I think you need to be held right now... Can I hold you?"
Her- "I'm not ready, Ok?" (walks off but something pulls her back to him)
He walks out the door and looks back at her...
Him- "I don't give up that easy... You know the bible says that when a man findeth a wife, he findeth a good thing. You are my good thing! Will you marry me?"
Her- "My heart sure is saying yes... (a voice in the background says... Your lips need to say yes too) Yes!"
- Location:Dorm room
It has taken me a number of years to be able to come out and say this, and it's not easy to say it to the public... blowing it open for all my friends to read, but once it's out there in the open, I can begin to work through it.
I have finally figured out that most of my self esteem issues stem from the fact that I don't love myself... I don't think I ever have! I've never really been able to because I've always had to worry about being perfect for someone else, so I haven't really had time to get to know myself, flaws and all... I always had to dress perfectly, speak properly, act flawless, etc. Another words, I had to be someone I'm NOT! I'm not even sure anymore who the real me is! WILL THE REAL AMANDA WALDEN PLEASE STAND UP?
I'm tired of being perfect! Can't I just make one lousy mistake???? Just one? That's all I ask!
Ok, so this is how it went.... I was on the phone, talking to my boyfriend and got an incoming call from one of my ex boyfriends... We'll call him Brian. I clicked over and accepted the call and much to my amazement, he was drunk. His main objective was to get me to go back out with him. Being that I have found the love of my life, I was set in my answer... It was not going to, nor will not, happen. He couldn't accept that for an answer and kept asking me dump my man for him. He kept repeating "if I can't have you, no one can have you!". I was like, "look here fucktard... you WILL NOT threaten me! I don't care what your motive is, or who the fuck you say you'll bring with you to kill me.... It's not going to work. I love my boyfriend enough to die for him, and if that's what I have to do, BRING IT ON, BITCH!"
I clicked back over to my boyfriend and started my conversation again. I was determined to keep what was going on a secret from him because I know he worries about me and there was nothing to worry about. I am not scared of this guy, nor have I ever been, and being that he was drunk, what was he going to do???? NOTHING!
It seemed as though every 5 minutes I would hear a beep in my ear... It was him calling in! I would press ignore each time... I was not ready to deal with him again. I finally got to the point where I answered it and said "What do you want? No, nevermind... don't answer that... I already know, and it's not going to happen, so leave me the hell alone!". With people like him, you have to be repetitive for things to sink in... So that's exactly what I did... and after me pressing ignore enough times, he took it to the next level and showed up on my front lawn. It was at this point that I feared for my life! I remembered that this dickweed carries daggers on his person and multiples that are strategically hidden throughout his car. That wasn't the biggest thing that scared me though. It was the fact that he is one of my "attackers" and still holds a small bit of power over me.
I must remind you that I am still on the phone with my boyfriend and inform him that I have to get off the phone because the fuckface had shown up. He didn't want to let me go, but I had no choice. I said "You take one more step towards me and I swear to God...." and that was all she wrote... I dropped the phone because he had slapped me across the face, pushed me to the ground, pinned me down, kissed me, and had his way with me... Right in the front yard! Someone came out their front door and saw what was happening and pulled him off of me. Not even 2 minutes later there was a cop car there and he was shoved in the backseat. The police asked me if I wanted to press charges and like a jackass, I told them no. I was scared of retaliation! If he was capable of an act as cruel as such, what else was he able to do? He'll be spending the night in the slammer anyway, which is just long enough to sober his ass up!
Why didn't I scream, you ask? Well, you try being paralized by fear and not able to make any sound because you've learned from past experiences that if you resist an attacker, you only make it worse. The only time you should ever resist and struggle with the attacker is if the odds of winning the struggle are in your favor, and in this case, they weren't. It didn't help that he held a hand over my mouth to make sure I wouldn't give any verbal signals... I wouldn't have anyway.... I know better! Just let them do what they came to do and then deal with it later when your safe.
I am left with another emotional scar and a physical sign of attack. I have a bruise that runs across my chest, starting at my right shoulder and going across to my left ribcage. That is left from the force of him throwing me to the ground and him putting as much pressure on me with his arm to keep me pinned. It is events like this that make me not want to talk to anyone or get involved with anyone. People get so mad at me for bottling things up and not sharing things with them, but I can't help it... one of my worst fears has come true.... I am now frightened by my boyfriend! It will probably be quite a while before I let him touch me, kiss me, hold me, etc. Because of this fucktard, it is hard for me to get close to another male.
Here are some of the lyrics to songs that I dedicate to this asshole!
You better move, move, move right out of my life... move it, move it, out of my life!
Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there, and it sucks to see my face everywhere.... NEVER AGAIN!!!!
Never again will I hear you, never again will I miss you, never again will I fall to.... Never again will I kiss you, never gain will I want to, never again will I love you.....
I'm not your girl!!!!! And I'm not leaving with you just because you asked me too.... I'm not your girl!
- Location:Home
- Mood:
guilty - Music:Not your girl by Katherine McPhee
The friends I used to have are too busy to give me 2 minutes of their time, the people I think might be my friends want to force me to do things I don't want to do, and I'm just so shy that I avoid new people.I have done very well hiding this feeling for years, but I just can't take it anymore. It's eating me alive! I mean, I like having time to myself to sit and reflect, but everyone needs a little social time! How am I any different? What makes me so strange? Why don't people want to have anything to do with me?
Why have all my friends left me out in the cold? It feels like my friends are all in this plastic bubble and I'm standing on the outside looking in, trying to have a conversation with them, but they can't hear me, they can't see me, they can't touch me.... They just have a jolly ole good time without me! I'd much rather be in a group and not fit in than to be ignored totally... Wouldn't you? I have feelings too! I'm no different than you! If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you poison me, do I not die?
- Mood: depressed
If anyone has any suggestions or wants to think about splitting the cost of a trip this summer or something, let me know... I'll be happy to consider it.
- Mood:
chipper - Music:Fell in love with a pink haired gal by Tennessee Ernie Ford
Ok, I believe that this is the first time in quite a while that I have actually been able to write in my journal without being depressed, angry, bitchy, etc. I am very proud of myself today, although I haven't done much to be proud of. I am constantly tired, weak, and passing out, but I'm still proud of myself.
This week is packed full of things for me to be excited about... Monday I have a Sociology test, Tuesday I have an English midterm, Wednesday I have a Math test, Thursday I have tutoring and I'm going to go see my friend Matt, and thank God I don't have anything for Friday, as of yet.
I talked to my mom and aunt last night after watching a movie with Bethany, and found out that they are staying in the apartment for 6 more months, or atleast thats what I'm understanding. Anyway, that makes me feel a little better... It's a burden lifted off of me, but it still leaves many more left. That's OK... I know that God will take care of them in his own time. There is nothing impossible for Christ!
I've done alot of fun things this week, including making a fool of myself, but I didn't care... I've gotten to that point in my life where I don't care what people think of me anymore, as long as I like myself and am having fun. I like being myself and showing people who I really am! It's a big step I have taken in my life an took a great deal of courage, but I'm glad I did!
I went for a walk this weekend across campus and decided to listen to my iPod as I walked, and the song "Always look on the bright side of life"... You should have seen me! I just started dancing and making the biggest fool of myself, right in the middle of campus! I was dancing as I walked across the bridge and cars were swerving into the other lane with oncoming cars trying to watch me... They must have noticed how much fun I was having! I smiled and laughed more than I ever have in my life!
- Mood:geeky
- Location:Dorm Room
- Mood: angry
In Jan. 2004, my cousin, which I guess you could go as far as calling him my son, because, I as a child, raised that child, was taken to a foster home. It wasn't an easy task, but I had to do it because his mother was/is more of a child than he was. That weighs heavy on my heart each and every day, thinking that it is my fault that he is no longer with us. I admit, I could have done a better job of taking care of him, but then again, what was I suppose to do, being a child in need of care myself?
That same year, a couple weeks later, my aunt, this boy's mother, went to jail for 5 months for credit card theft. I was really close to her until this ordeal. That weighed on our relationship quite a bit.
In Jan. 2005, my mom and I were evicted from our apartment and forced to move in with the aunt that had been in jail. I can remember having to hide my purse, my credit cards, cash, any bank statements... I felt like I was living in a jail myself, having to keep watch over all my belongings at all times!
Here it is Jan. 2008, and my mom and aunt are back home, still living together, but pretty soon, wont have a place to live. I just wish this nightmare would end! I've had enough!
- Location:Waterfield Library
- Mood:
crappy
Talk2YouForever [9:46 P.M.]: hi are you doing
Talk2YouForever [9:48 P.M.]: is this you branda
WendyBee45 [9:49 P.M.]: yes
WendyBee45 [9:49 P.M.]: what areyou doing
Talk2YouForever [9:49 P.M.]: how are you fleeing better i hope
WendyBee45 [9:50 P.M.]: Im loading up a program so I cant really talk right now
Talk2YouForever [9:50 P.M.]: just tried to call you
WendyBee45 [9:50 P.M.]: I am waiting for some tests to come back I will know mon or tues. My phone is in the other room in my purse
WendyBee45 [9:51 P.M.]: I need to load up this computers virus protection because it takes an hour and a half and Im really tired and want to go to bed
Talk2YouForever [9:51 P.M.]: ok i hope everything turns out all right
WendyBee45 [9:52 P.M.]: thanks ttul
Talk2YouForever [9:53 P.M.]: tell kenneth i said hi i well see jan tus morning
WendyBee45 [9:54 P.M.]: why does he care when y0ou see jan he doesnt want anything to do with her
Talk2YouForever [9:55 P.M.]: will let you go let me know what the doc tells you ok i was telling you that i was going to see jan
WendyBee45 [9:55 P.M.]: you need to let go ruthann and so do all this messed up familly they had their chance for kenneth and didnt take it and thats just the way it is
Talk2YouForever [9:59 P.M.]: but i still love him a lot and i give birth to him so i cant let go
WendyBee45 [10:00 P.M.]: Kenneths happier than he has ever been and he is not that slow pitiful child they think he is he can think for himself and he told me he doesnt want anything to do with any of them. I told him when he is an adult he can look you up if he wants to he says that will never happen. I told him that was entirelyl up to him I would not stand in the way of that. The day you gave him away you let him go for good. You need to come to grips with that and go on with your life.
WendyBee45 [10:01 P.M.]: Kenneth has his life now and is very happy with it. If anything ever happen to marty and me he is going to be placed with his sister
Talk2YouForever [10:03 P.M.]: you are not getting help for me any more for his medical records get them your self
Talk2YouForever [10:04 P.M.]: i well iam going to texs in feb to stay and i well never call you a gain
WendyBee45 [10:08 P.M.]: well, you know what you said doesnt suprise me you gave him away because you didnt want him and you have a chance to finally do some thing right for the child and you act more of a child than he is with all of his disabilities. By getting those papers Kenneth life would be said were he would be able to be taken care of better after 18 years of age,but no you cant see that and when kenneth hears that that will just be the icing on the cake because he definitely wouldnt want to ever see you then Im sure.
WendyBee45 [10:12 P.M.]: Kenneth would need that to be able to get medical assistance when he ages in to adult hood. Thats ok ruthann dont bother calling and asking about kenneth anymore because he is reading this right now. He is reading on a seventh grade level right now and He doesnt believe this. Actually Im sorry he just said he did because the whole family he said just jerked him around abused him and lied to him and didnt care about him or those things would not of happened.
WendyBee45 [10:12 P.M.]: Good bye
Talk2YouForever [10:12 P.M.]: say what you you do not know the truth ilove him a lot and i still do
WendyBee45 [10:18 P.M.]: Kenneth is standing her and I let him read all this and he sai d that you will not talk nasty to my mom(Brenda) and I dont want to hear from you anyway. This is Kenneth and this is my family. If you loved me you wouldnt have give me away. A real mom doesnt do that.
Talk2YouForever [10:19 P.M.]: i did what was best for you
WendyBee45 [10:20 P.M.]: Stay out of my life. No bodytold me to say this. I dont beleive anything uyou say.
Talk2YouForever [10:21 P.M.]: someone is lying to kenneth about me giving him away.... they TOOK him away
WendyBee45 [10:21 P.M.]: You lie
WendyBee45 [10:21 P.M.]: You always lied to me
Talk2YouForever [10:22 P.M.]: you lie too
WendyBee45 [10:23 P.M.]: Aunt jan said you gave me away when I was on my visit with her
WendyBee45 [10:24 P.M.]: I beleive her over you
WendyBee45 [10:24 P.M.]: she lies too
WendyBee45 [10:25 P.M.]: I dontcare to hear fromyou anymore.
Talk2YouForever [10:25 P.M.]: you can get yhe records frome me i have made lots of trips to give you them but something always come up so you let mre know when wont to meet
Talk2YouForever [10:26 P.M.]: youve said that already... stop repeating stuff
Talk2YouForever [10:32 P.M.]: kenneth i did not give you up i could not handly you so i that that would be the best thing for you t his ruthann
WendyBee45 [10:37 P.M.]: This is me ruthann Kenneth just went to bed .I swear on everything he typed what he said. We both know that Amanda was typing some of the stuff for you because you cant type fast and you misspell a lot of words so I know when its not you talking. Kenneth did tell me this and I told him that I thought that it was mean to say but he said he meant it. He said just because you gave birth to him doesnt make you a mother. I told him that was not nice. He said maybe so but its true.
WendyBee45 [10:39 P.M.]: He said a real mother would not give their child away they would of got help.. You know ruthann I almost have to agree with him on that, he is a very bright little boy in a lot of ways and very slow in others. If nothing else he has found that everyone in this family will stick by him no matter what the problem. Kenneth has a lot of issues but he better understands life now
WendyBee45 [10:41 P.M.]: Kenneth will always need a lot of help and lots of attention because of his disabilities but he is being raised to be part of a family and interact with them
Talk2YouForever [10:42 P.M.]: well i love him any i tried to get help but loseing my mom and dad it was hard to do and no one would help me
WendyBee45 [10:46 P.M.]: I lost my mom and dad to ruthann my mom died in my arms on her birthday and my dad died right in front of me right after that. At the time I had 2 small children I was raising and didnt have a job.. I have no brothers or sisters so there was no one there, That was my family. Jan tried to help you and she said you just tried to get her in trouble, remember at the meeting downtown. She never came back after that, and I really didnt blame her.
WendyBee45 [10:46 P.M.]: She said she didnt want to deal with you. I dont know and I dont care about this anymore you need to go on with your life and forget this stuff.
Talk2YouForever [10:50 P.M.]: have a good life if you wont to talk you can call me but other thean that i well not email you again
- Mood:
crushed
I'm always there when my friends need to talk, whether I have a problem that needs to be talked about or not.... I just sit my problem aside and listen to what they need to talk about and give the best advice I can or help them in any way I know how, but when I have a problem, WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY??????
- Mood: crushed
I'm trying to trust in God and lean on him right now, but having faith in a time like this is very hard, seems almost impossible, but I have to remember that things happen in God's timing, not ours so I have to just sit back and believe that God will provide for me the things I need at the right times. He might make me do without, but it's only to teach me a valuable lesson that I need to learn for life experiences to come!
Has God trusted you with a silence - a silence that is big with meaning? God's silences are His answers. Think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything analogous to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking for a visible answer? God will give you the blessings you ask if you will not go any further without them; but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvellous understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with an absolute silence, not of despair, but of pleasure, because He saw that you could stand a bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, praise Him, He is bringing you into the great run of His purposes. The manifestation of the answer in time is a matter of God's sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said - "I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone." He did not, and to-day you find He gave you the bread of life.
A wonderful thing about God's silence is that the contagion of His stillness gets into you and you become perfectly confident - "I know God has heard me." His silence is the proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, He will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence.
- Mood:
curious
I just wish I could go back to the person I was before this happened to me! Happy go lucky, carefree, fearless, and confident. I know you can work back up to those feelings, but I haven't been able to. He took something very valuable from me... Something I can never get back! If I wasn't so afraid of him, or guys in general for that matter, I would probably kill him or castrate him, to make sure that he wasn't able to do that to anyone else! No one should have to live through that pain and fear for the rest of their lives!
- Mood: angry
I have my dream house all planned out, but it could change every now and then. I want a small house, 2 or 3 bedroom brick ranch style home, atleast 2 bathrooms, a basement with walkout porch (although it's not necessary, but would be nice for parties or things as such), large backyard with room for my children to run and play with my husband and I (I've always dreamed of being that parent that my children remember being active in their lives and always having time for them, no matter what!), an oak tree in the front yard with a tire swing, flowers galore, and a detached garage. It would be nice to have a wrap-around porch, but it's not a must have. Again, this is just a dream home, not the necessity of life.
The best part about all this would be to find a man who cares about me and loves me for who I am, even on my worst day! I want someone who looks at me and says "man, am I lucky to have someone like you in my life!" and doesn't say it because they feel obligated! I also want someone who's not afraid to run after me when I get scared and run away! I think I might have found that in a guy, but I'm not sure yet. I have given my love life to God and am letting him write my love story! He will bring the right guy to me at the right time, because let's face it.... things don't happen when we want them to if they are meant to be. It's God's choice!
Being a SANE Nurse has been my dream for quite a while now, but I'm thinking about changing my major or double majoring in Christian Ministries with an infaces on Youth Ministry and Nursing. Both are very rewarding careers, although you get the reward quicker with Nursing, Christian Ministries gives you a greater reward!
For those of you who don't know what a SANE Nurse is, I will explain. Each letter in S-A-N-E stands for something: Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner, meaning they are the one's to do the pelvic exams after a girl has been molested or raped. Being that I have personal experience with these things, I would be able to connect with the girls coming into the hospital, crying or screaming because they have just been violated! I know that feeling, the feeling that no one wants you anymore, your dirty and just can't get clean ( I think that's why I take so many showers every day ) and your all alone! I want to be there to let them know that they AREN'T alone and they don't have to go through it alone! I am there to help them in any way they need me to! The thing that I would be most worried about though would be that it might bring back memories, or flashbacks for me. I get those already, but what do you expect? It hasn't been a year yet since my last occurance!
- Mood:creative
All my life, living in a single parent home, just mom and me, everyone looked at me as the smart one. I was always expected to be better than mom, smarter, prettier, more respectful... you name it, I was suppose to be it. I feel like I've always carried the weight of the world on my shoulders... Or atleast HER world! I have enough shit going on in my own life, without the pile of shit from her! I can't handle it all at once! And then to throw Ruthann's crap on top of that? It's ungodly! And then Ken and Judy???? I mean, WTF? They are family! And they chose to talk about mom and Ruthann behind their back??? And make ME listen to it??? I mean, I don't want to hear bad things about them because they ARE my family! I don't even let people talk bad about my friends!
I'm tired of carrying this all around. It's time to let it go! I feel like I'm being pushed further and further into the ground, and there's no way out! No light at the end of the tunnel! HELP ME! IT'S GETTING DARK!
Mom and Ruthann don't understand much, because they've either been sheltered as children, or they are just a little slow and can't comprehend it. Neither one of them really know how to manage money, but that's something that can be taught. Many people have told me that if it weren't for me, neither one of them would still be living! And in a way, I think that could be true! I mean, WHAT WILL THEY DO WHEN I GET MARRIED AND MOVE OUT ON MY OWN???? REALLY???
As I see it, it will be a breeze for me to live on my own, as a married couple, or by myself, because I already have many of the skills required for life, although they weren't taught by my mother. Being raised by my grandparents was a big plus for me! They taught me alot about life, and for that I am very thankful! I just wish they could be around now to see how far I have come.
I think that if it weren't for Christ in my life, I wouldn't exsist either! With all the crap that I've had to deal with, even as a child, it's amazing that I'm as sane as I am! Yes, I do admit that I have my faults, but don't we all? So, let he who is without sin cast the first stone! HAHAHAHA Quoting the bible! LOL
- Mood: crappy
I went to the Cardiologist this morning, thinking I was going for a just a normal check-up for BP control, but come to find out, it was for much more than that! I spent a wonderful hour and a half in the doctor's office getting "wired" for life, learning how to operate this stupid machine, and what to do if something goes wrong. I originally made the appointment because for the last 2 weeks, I have been getting a headache all the sudden, my heart starts racing, and I end up on the floor. As these words came out of my mouth, the doctor said... HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! He stuck his head out the door and said "We need a loop recorder in room 4" and that was all she wrote! I was HOOKED! Or in this case, WIRED! I have to wear this thing 24/7 except for showers, for the next 30 days. It records my heart rhythm constantly and when I start feeling "weird" I'm suppose to press a button on the front of this dealy mabopper and it records my heart rhythm at the time. I'm kind of scared that I'm not going to be able to work it right, but I guess, if any idiot can do it, so can I! They said it was idiot proof!
Well, also this week, I found out that Dena died. That was some of the worst news I'd ever heard! Although I know she's in a better place and with her Creator, I would still love to have her back on Earth, here with me! I know that sounds greety, but it's true. We have all felt that way at one time in our life or another.
- Mood:
bored
Ultimately, Christ comes first! Nothing will ever come between my Father and I, ever again! He my creator, my comforter, my companion, my best friend, my confidiant, my protector, my husband, my boyfriend, my brother, my father.... He's everything to me! He's the best I'll every have! No one can ever compare to Christ, our Savior!
I know that I have shared my testimony with most of you, and have even posted it on livejournal.com, but for those of you who haven't read it yet, I will tell you either in an IM or a message.... Christ has pulled me from the fiery pits of hell and placed me on solid rock!
I grew up saying "I'm gonna get me a testimony! And I got one.... It sure wasn't the one wanted, but God knew the one I needed... I have used my testimony to bring lost souls to Christ! Even while looking down the barrel of a gun! All it took was me saying "If I die tonight, I know where I'm going.... Do you???" That's how I start my witnessing! It really gets people to think! Most of the time, you'll get a "I hope so" or an "I think so", but hardly ever do you get.... "Yes, i'm going to Heaven to be with my Father".... I think a lot of people are scared to voice their faith... because in today's society, religion is looked down upon in a negative way.
I was brought up in a Baptist church, being raised by my grandparents (my grandfather was a preacher's son). I thank God every day that he gave me the life I had... Even the bad things in life! Because without them, I would be nothing! Those things made me who I am today! GOD made me who I am today! The Lord wont give us things that WE (the Lord and myself) can't handle together!
- Mood: spiritual
Some suicidal teen
Who makes a choice to kill herself
When the world just seems too mean.
She can't go on with life,
Or so to her it seems.
Reality has fallen short,
And so have her many dreams.
I don't want to be another statistic,
Some pregnant little girl
Who met this great guy
And then gave sex a whirl.
She was only fifteen,
But it felt so right.
She thought they'd be together
For more than just a night.
I don't want to be another statistic,
Some kid strung out on crack
Who started at a party
And now he can't turn back.
First cigarettes and alcohol,
Now meth, crack, and cocaine.
He's been smoking it so long
That now he's gone insane.
I don't want to be another statistic,
Some girl left in the rain
Who was walking home from school
Then raped and left in pain.
She can't tell her parents,
And it hurts to tell her friends.
She doesn't know what she'll do
To make this nightmare end.
I don't want to be another statistic,
Some kid out of school
Who dropped out really early,
And was acting like a fool.
He thought that it was boring.
He thought that it was dumb.
He doesn't have an education,
But lives in the streets like a bum.
I don't want to be another statistic,
Some stereotypical teen.
I'm gonna make a difference;
I'll finish with my dream.
I won't end up pregnant,
On drugs or even dead.
I won't drop out of school
Because I'll use my head.
I don't want to be another statistic,
To fit into some mold
Of what society thinks of kids today
Because it's getting kind of old.
Not all of us are bad.
In fact, most of us are good.
When will the world see us
And give us credit like they should?
I will admit something that I don't tell just anyone, but I need to get it out in the open... The truth is... I'm scared to be loved! But even worse than that, I'm scared to give love in return! Everyone that I've ever loved has either hurt me physically, (An ex boyfriend, John and Ruthann) mentally, (Grandparents, Mom, and other family members) and/or emotionally, (Boyfriends, Friends, and Family). Giving your heart away to someone is a big step in life and should never be taken lightly. I have given my heart to a select few, and most of them have ripped the heart from my chest, and done the mexican hat dance on it! Do you know how bad that feels? Have you ever experienced it for yourself? If you haven't, then don't tell me "Oh, it'll be alright, things will get better... How would you know? It's never happened to you! You'll know how it feels when it does!"
Judgemental people really make me sick! THEY HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK! The only judgement I have to worry about is the judgement by my Father! We are all sinners and have fallen short of the glory of God, so let he who is without sin cast the first stone! I've had people tell me time and time again that they don't judge people, but everyone does... We are only human!!! It's a competitive world out there... We are all guilty of judgement!
Have you ever lived my life? Have you ever walked in my shoes? If you haven't, then tell me why you judge me as you do!
If I knew then what I know now, I would have thought twice about some of the things I've done... It's amazing thinking about some of the things I've done... A lot of people think I'm an innocent little angel, but that's because I don't let people see the real, true me for fear that I would scare them away! If they only knew half of what I have done, been through, or will do, they'd probably run as fast as they could in the other direction! I think that's why I push people away... It's almost like they want to get to know me, start getting a little too close for comfort, so I push them back a couple notches and keep them in perspective. I HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT! If I don't stop pushing people away, I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life! I'm on a long road that's leading to nowhere!!! Have you ever felt like that?
I found something today that caught my eye... something that I would love to give as a gift to a special person in my life, but don't know how to give it. I'm afraid! It's not that I'm afraid to give the gift, it's that I'm afraid of the response I'll get! This person has been there for me to dry my tears and ease the pain I feel inside. They have saved my life many times over, and have been my rock when I wasn't as solid in my faith, or in life, as I should be. I don't think I have ever told them how I feel that they have done this for me and not ask for anything in return. It amazes me how strong they are! They are a gift that just keeps giving!
- Mood:
calm
i'm tired of talking...
i'm tired of feeling...
i'm tired of doing....
I'm tired of being...
IT'S OVER!!!!
- Mood: crappy
He has a great voice and the lyrics really touch your heart!
Toute ma vie, j'ai rêvé de ce "chevalier dans l'armure luisante" qui viendrait et me balaierait de mes pieds... L'offre dans les contes de fées, en pensant dont l'amour était tout... Les roches étant lancées à votre fenêtre la nuit, marchent longtemps dans le parc, la course à pied rendent, nu-pieds dans le sable ... mais ce n'est pas tout des actions qui sont rendues amoureux... Il est du coeur et comment il cherche une autre âme.
- Mood:
scared
Call me
I don't promise you that...
I will make you laugh, but I can cry with you.
If one day you want to run away...
Don't be afraid to call me
I don't promise to make you stop, but I can run with you.
If one day you don't want to listen to anyone...
Call me and...
I promise to be very quiet.
But if one day, you call, and there is no answer...
Come fast to see me
Perhaps I need you!
- Mood: cheerful
Wherever I may go;
In case I need to cover up;
So the real me doesn't show;
I'm so afraid to show you me;
Afraid of what you'll do;
I'm afraid you'll laugh and say mean things;
Afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats;
To show you the real, true me;
But I want you to try and understand;
I need you to like what you see;
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes;
I'll remove the coats real slow;
Please understand how much it hurts;
To let the real me show.
Now that all my coats have all been shed;
I feel naked, bare, and cold;
If you still love me with all your heart;
You are my true friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paintbrush though;
And hold it in my hand;
Just in case someone doesn't understand.
So protect me, my dear friend;
And thanks for loving me true;
But please let me keep my paintbrush with me;
Until I love ME too!
- Mood:creative
Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
Your just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.
I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well here in America, we stand by our brothers.
As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishin'
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.
What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
it's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.
Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.
But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue.
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!
- Mood:
determined
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